Sunday, July 03, 2005
There's a danger in loving somebody too much.
I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
and I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
and I don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay
And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
It is true when someone says nothing's forever. You may be alive and kicking this minute, but dead the next. You may be enjoying your life with your close ones today, but shut them out your life the next. You may feel floating on cloud nine now, but feel worst than anything else the next. And why am I saying all this? Because this is life...
I have friends whom I hold near to my heart and have stayed. Even the one I ignored in one part of my life has come back and we've entered into a higher level in friendship. Just as I'm here typing away, I am about to block my heart from Butterfly; to fly away and never to return.
I've reached this point that I need to come clean with my feelings that I am hurt and jealous, definitely feeling pain in my heart. I have cried over the nicks you displayed, over the history logs in my computer, cards and conversations and your actions. Now, they are not as significant as it is. Because actions speaks louder than words. Words like "when u were down....i was there.......when any of u seek me....i'll be there................*hugs", "of cos gal....i know u well.....", "and i know my dear. but there's reasons......to protect others", "yes, but utimately u r in my heart. special." and "no gal, i love u for who u r, not how u treat me.................." are as empty as the air around me.
In your down times did I not protect? Did I not help clarify matters for all the rumours? And did I not trust? What have I done or said that I deserve to ever feel so betrayed when the three of you got so close that have hurt me, making me so uncertain. Sigh, perhaps your dark times has over and you have long forgotten the bad times I stood by.
As much as I would want to chose trusting in you, I have a limitation to it too. Their seekings, the joy they have brought to you and the amount of time you guys spent together, I feel jealous. It eats me up inside, to be exact. I believe I asked before, but you said you were busy, I accepted. But what make me more jealous and lost(I guess) was when you actually initiated the outing at times. Yes, this explain how come you felt I have things kept inside but never tell you. Now you know. I learnt about the Friday phone conversations you'll share with the one that look upon you as an elder Sister. And I remembered 30th April; the choice you'd made, the pictures you'd taken.
And stop denying that we have not drifted apart. From the day you all got close, our time spent was little, you start to know nothing about me and your love for me has definitely decrease, even before you realize. When all I see daily was them finding you, giving you joy while I hurt you, I've decided to back out this love. It is difficult to handle. The hurts and pains were overwhelming. Because I have to constantly tell myself you love me, right up till this day that I hold this fact in mind. If I continue to comfort myself with that, I would be living in a state of denial. I remember you coming into the lab and sat beside me after I confessed to you I felt jealous. But It was all for pretense, just to make me feel good isn't it? Right after, you returned back to your comfort zone.
I'm not an idiot that only hold facts in my brain. I see actions too. But your words did not match your actions. You said you love me, but your actions did not show. I gave chance but nothing was done. I think I have shed enough tears through the times I tried pulling myself strong. I want to cut off this friendship we share. May it be you want or don't want. I am tired of constantly fighting emtionally and mentally.
At the age of 17, you have left me jaded. My heart was literally shattered into pieces that cannot be mended anymore. And you have lost me because of yourself. You chose another path.
Above, is the life of this 17 years old girl who is left totally tormented by someone she have loved with all her heart.
maoed.]
at 9:10 PM
